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You are here: Home / 2020 / Archives for September 2020

Archives for September 2020

Being Asian American During Coronavirus

September 16, 2020 by Christina

To the lady at the grocery store… You don’t know me or my son but what you did today shocked me. What you do know about me from our encounter is that I’m Asian. I’m a mother. I have a toddler without a mask on. He’s starting to melt down in a crowded checkout line. We are in a pandemic Where everyone in the store is wearing a mask. My son and I are Asian American.

Even before coronavirus I would avoid bringing my toddler to the grocery store whenever possible. Since Covid-19 hit he had not been into a store until today. He is 2-years old and not used to wearing a mask.

Being Asian American has never felt comfortable but now even less so. I am no stranger to racism.

Not the obvious kind like spit-in-your-face-while-being-called-racial-slurs racism but more typically the subtle encounters. Maybe it’s the store employee stocking shelves asking every other shopper walking by if they need help finding something while I’m visibly searching the shelves nearby and he doesn’t acknowledge my presence. Or maybe it’s the upbeat friendly cashier in my check out line who is chatting up a storm with every customer before me but is silent when I get to the front and doesn’t even say hello.

Probably the most unusual incident I can recall at the grocery store involved a little old white lady. This was before COVID. My two children (who are mixed Korean/white but could pass as white when with their Dad) were sitting in the shopping cart eating the free bakery cookies they give to kids while my husband was helping the littlest one catch the crumbs.

I was further down the aisle gathering stuff from the shelves so I saw her heading toward the cart obviously smiling at my adorable children and handsome husband.

As soon as it became evident I was not only with them but am the children’s mother her smile disappeared real quick. she made a little snort sound and rushed by us. To this day I’m not sure if she was more upset about the interracial relationship or if it was she felt fooled into smiling at kids who were not as white as she thought. Either way, that interaction felt racially charged and if it wasn’t then what was it she found so offensive about my family? I’ll never know.

Since Coronavirus hit the States hard in March 2020 the amount of hate crimes against Asian Americans has significantly increased. I always felt uncomfortable seeing Asians wearing masks on flights or in airports as it seemed to be a thing associated with Asians.

During the stay at home orders I became very anxious about the world and questioned how I would function in this new world being Asian and having to wear a mask. I dreaded going out in public. From March to May I really didn’t leave our property.

It’s now September 2020 and though the virus is not gone life has resumed in most ways. I have returned to my office, I re-opened my company after being closed for three whole months and my oldest child just started kindergarten.

Racism and racism toward Asians during coronavirus is still alive and well and will continue to exist probably forever.

Back to the encounter at the grocery store.

I had to make a quick stop at the store after work and my 2-year-old son was with me (not ideal I know). The store was packed with end of workday shoppers trying to get home myself included.

We were at the checkout counter and my son was just over wearing his mask and would not leave it on any longer. Being Asian I am keenly aware of this and know how Asians are perceived by some and believed by others to be the reason EVERYONE has to wear a mask now.

He was pointing at the balloons above the checkout lines yelling “boon boon”. It was so loud and chaotic in there that I doubt anyone could really hear him but I was bagging as fast as possible trying to get checked out in case people took offense to the little Asian boy not wearing his mask. In all of the chaos a lady came up to me as I was bagging our food.

It was like the store was put on mute. I no longer noticed the noise or the people waiting in line behind us. The food was building up on the conveyor belt. I was confused and a little nervous about what she wanted. The lady motioned to my son as if asking my permission to approach him when I noticed she was holding a balloon…

I was stunned. With a knot in my throat I nodded and thanked her. He took the balloon from her and said, “Boon! Tank tum” (which is how he says thank you.) I thanked her again, she smiled at him and walked toward the exit and that was it.

Many people who hear this story will think what’s the big deal? It’s just a lady being nice to a little kid in a grocery store. Even my husband can’t appreciate the enormity of this encounter for me but I’m willing to bet there are some of you who understand the significance.

So, to the lady at the grocery store. Your small act of kindness had such an impact on me I could have cried. To my 2-year-old son it was a simple balloon but during a time of crisis in our society that’s filled with such negativity toward Asian Americans that balloon means so much more…. so thank you.

Filed Under: My Korean Adoptee Life Tagged With: actsofkindness, Asian American, kindness, Korean Adoptee, Korean Adoption, racism, racism toward Asian Americans

Korean Adoptee: Things About Adoption I Never Considered Growing Up

September 12, 2020 by Christina

My New England Seoul

I am a Korean Adoptee. I have been for almost 4 decades. The first 30 something years of my life I did not really speak of nor acknowledge this part of my story. The topic of adoption and all of its complications I wanted no part in. I was ashamed of my “asian-ness.” I thought if I ignored it then maybe others wouldn’t notice either.

I was wrong.

Currently, I’m in my late 30s and realize the fault of my ways. For the first time ever I acknowledge the parts of adoption that are hard to swallow. I see now the concept of adoption itself is odd and almost like a twisted social experiment.

There are thought processes surrounding adoption that I have recently become aware. There are ways of thinking about adoption that never crossed my mind. Even though my family had four Korean adoptees it was never a topic of discussion.

5 Adoption related things I didn’t think about until adulthood

  1. The concept of “racial mirrors. ”
  2. The fact that adoption is trauma.
  3. The fact that adoption is loss.
  4. White savior complex.
  5. The fact that adoption is a transaction.

“Racial Mirrors”

Growing up I was always excited to see Asian people succeed. As you can imagine in the 1980s and 1990s there were not many examples for me in the media or in real life. The term racial mirrors refers to being around people who look like you. A racial mirror could be in the form of a coach, teacher, mentor, or anyone you look up to.

When I was growing up in the 1980s and 1990s there were no Asian people in my life except for my siblings and occasional peers from extracurricular activities outside of my school. In any given situation there was no one to look up to who looked like me in sight.

Growing up, I never had a teacher, mentor or coach who was Asian. The first Asian professional in my life was my OB/GYN when I was pregnant with my first child. I liked that she was Asian but even more important than that she was a positive role model representing Asian Americans. Her credentials were impressive and she owned her own practice. She was petite and pretty with a no-nonsense bedside manner. She was hard on me (maybe because I was like her) which I appreciated. People respected her and her professional expertise. I suppose she was my first racial mirror at the age of 30.

Having racial mirrors in your life is a powerful thing. It’s something white people in America don’t recognize. When I asked my husband about this concept he admitted never realizing the benefit in everyone looking like him. If I had had Asian role models in my life growing up I believe my self confidence and self esteem would have been completely different.

Adoption is Trauma

The next thing I didn’t really think of until adulthood is the fact that adoption is trauma. Too often it goes unrecognized the trauma associated with adoption.

Only now after becoming a mother do I see the extent of the trauma. I have a 5 year old and 2 year old. My brothers were 5 and 3 when they came to the States. My daughter is smart and articulate and aware. I can’t begin to imagine her navigating a new land, new culture, new language, new family all while feeling responsible for her younger brother’s well being as well. This is what my brother had to endure when he came to the U.S. at the age of 5. If that’s not trauma then I don’t know what is.

In addition to the trauma in the beginning of adoption then you have the lifelong issues associated with it. A lot of adoptees will never feel they truly belong anywhere. We struggle with self-identity among a myriad of other issues.

Adoption is trauma and its something I did not acknowledge or appreciate until now. Recognizing this trauma helps me understand myself and my battles.

Adoption is Loss

The concept of loss as it relates to adoption was never discussed growing up. It’s something I truly don’t believe my parents recognized so neither did I. The narrative from society toward adoptees is how lucky and grateful we should feel.

Now I can see the loss and feel the loss that has stemmed from my adoption. Conversely, I can see and feel the gains that adoption has given me. So I don’t want to seem ungrateful for my life but now in my late 30s I am mourning parts of my life I will never know.

For example, speaking my language of origin naturally and with ease. My birth mother teaching me how to cook. Sharing intimate chat sessions with my birth sisters without struggling through broken translations. Feeling like I belong without question in my community. These are just a few that come to mind.

Adoption is loss and I didn’t recognize this growing up.

White Savior Complex

The next thing I didn’t really acknowledge growing up was the white savior complex. I suppose I always dismissed it because of the negative connotation it held toward adoptive parents. I couldn’t imagine people adopting kids like me and my siblings for any reason other than the goodness of their hearts.

Now with the internet and social media I’m looking at the white savior complex through new lenses. The Stauffer family scandal and their atrocious behavior reaffirms the white savior complex much to the detriment of any well-meaning genuine families looking to adopt.

To all of the family vloggers out there sharing intimate moments about their transracial adoptees’ lives, my question is why? Why are you sharing this stuff? It’s fine to share day in the life videos with clips of the family’s activities but why are you doing adoption updates? Whole videos dedicated to how your adopted child is transitioning into his/her new life! Every struggle, moments of sad and small victories won…these are private.

In conclusion, it seems there are certainly adoptive parents with “white savior complex” out there. I don’t believe all white adoptive parents are and I don’t believe mine were. But, in the age of social media and all of the attention to be gained in the forms of likes, hearts and views, the white savior population is multiplying.

Adoption is a Transaction

The last thing I want to talk about is the fact that adoption is a transaction. I always knew that it cost something to adopt and that there is a process to it. As I take a step back and look at this concept a little closer it is appalling.

The idea that children are products, there is a supply and demand and money is being exchanged feels super slimy. There aren’t poor orphan white American children being exported to foreign countries because their mothers can’t afford to keep them. So why is this so common in the states?

I am no expert in adoption and the process of adoption but am learning more now that I have let myself. Internation adoption and transracial adoption has created a population of people with a unique set of experiences and trauma stemming from being transplanted. All of the struggles, trauma and uncertainty we will live with our entire lives started with a single transaction.

Conclusion

I was unwilling and unable to acknowledge my adoption and the complex struggles associated with it growing up. As an adult I might be late to the party on these issues and conversations but I hope that others might learn from my past.

Thanks for reading.

-Christina

Filed Under: Adoption, My Korean Adoptee Life Tagged With: adoption loss, adoption trauma, Korean Adoptee, Korean adoptee blog, Korean adoptee voice, Korean Adoption, Transracial Adoption, white savior

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Hi! I’m Christina,

I am a Korean Adoptee with New England Roots! Living and Loving New England Country Life while raising our babies and restoring our 1820s Farmhouse.  Homesteading and Farmhouse Inspiration. Coffee and Tea Lover. Book Addict.

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