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Embracing being Asian has been difficult for me as a Korean Adoptee.

In the beginning…

For the first 30 years of my life I avoided anything that was even remotely Asian. I grew up in the 80s and 90s before the internet and long before social media. There were few notable Asian people featured in mainstream media and even fewer I knew in real life.

Kids in school had never seen an Asian person in real life before meeting me and my siblings. I looked different from everyone else around me and knew it. I spent the last 30 years working through my racial insecurities.

Growing up I can recall so many times where I changed myself and/or my reaction to something for fear of not fitting in or being labeled different. I acted uninterested toward Asian related things. For example, in school I remember doing units in school on Asia and felt so uncomfortable sitting in those classrooms.

I would fake stomachaches to get out of going to school or would be borderline disruptive with friends to show my disinterest in the topic. I remember teachers asking me if my family had any traditions or special meals I would like to share…

These memories are horrifying for my self to look back on. Such trivial moments for an adult to process but definitely traumatizing for an adolescent transracial adoptee trying to find herself.

Acceptance as an Adult…

I have plenty of accomplishments and accolades under my belt. My personality makes the drive for success a constant endeavor of mine. But I wonder how much of this drive is to make up for some inner struggle from not accepting my whole self.

The turning point for me was when my first child entered this world. It is a love like no other. I want her to be proud and unashamed of her mixed Korean heritage. Loving myself and my own Korean-ness is something I have struggled with my whole life.

What I wish for my younger self and for my children is a sense of pride and ownership over being Asian American. I think in the age of social media and the internet people are able to more fully express themselves than ever before. This is not to say it is without fear but with courage to put themselves out there.

There are so many examples of beautiful and successful Asian individuals in our society today. Not more than when I was growing up but more are able to rise up without the oppression of racially-filtered media. Social media and the internet has no doubt changed modern society in big ways. Such monumental change comes with good and bad to process.

As an adult transracial adoptee I feel blessed to live in a time where my children will have access to more than I did. I feel inclined to share my journey as a Korean Adoptee to help other adoptees and adoptive families.

For my children…

Back to my children and my quest to embrace our Korean heritage. It’s complicated.

Being an adoptee it is difficult to embrace something for which you have never known. For me it’s almost like trying to become something that others assumed you already are.

My intention to instill a sense of pride and ownership over our Korean background starts with exposure. Exposure to the language, food and cultural traditions in the best way we know how.

My children already have the advantage of seeing a whole lot more people who share their ethnic background than I ever did. They also have me and my siblings who are also Korean. They will never feel alone in the same ways that we did having a parent who is of the same race.

So it has taken me over 30 years to embrace my “Asian-ness.” For some adoptees I’m sure it is much earlier than this and for others that may never happen (I know more of the latter group in my personal life.)

There are moments where I can genuinely say that I am proud to look and be an Asian American. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am comfortable in my skin every time I walk outside my house but believe it or not this is major progress for me. The journey continues and I’m excited to see what this evolving mindset brings to me in the future.

Thanks for reading!

-Christina

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I had 4 miscarriages in the past 18 months. Pregnancy loss is an all too common thing but I had no idea just how common it would become for me. As time continues on I wanted to do all I can to improve chances of a successful pregnancy so I scheduled a consultation with a reproductive specialist.

Disappointment with OB-GYN

My last pregnancy/miscarriage I tried a new OB-GYN private practice in my area. It is one that is held in high regard by several close friends. I only saw them twice but feel my situation was not thoroughly assessed nor taken seriously for the following reasons:

They knew my history of recurrent pregnancy loss, 3 in a row and 4 overall yet still brushed it off saying that I’m young and healthy and have had 2 successful pregnancies
I specifically inquired about use of progesterone to supplement natural levels of the hormone in early pregnancy and again they brushed it off saying that’s not proven beneficial in cases like yours.
I reported symptoms that have worsened in recent years including irregular heart rhythms and elevated fasting glucose levels during early pregnancy

What I did before seeing the specialist

Sought an updated physical with general practitioner
Updated blood work to include:
- Thyroid
- Lipid panel
- Comprehensive metabolic panel
Self monitoring blood glucose levels

Consultation with Fertility Specialist discussion included:

Review of fertility history
Review of current health and symptoms
Possible early pregnancy support options
- natural progesterone supplement
Test for anemia
Blood draw for A1C levels
Blood draw for natural progesterone level after ovulation occurs
Holter monitor for abnormal heart rhythms
Future pelvic sonogram if indicated

Things I’m doing moving forward

There are a number of things I am doing moving forward to improve overall health and wellness which in turn will support a healthy pregnancy should we conceive again.

Eating cleaner, more plant based, less sugar, less processed food
Exercise consistently (minimum of 4x/week)
- Cardio (elliptical, treadmill, cycling)
- Pilates
- Yoga
Tracking cycle
- ovulation kit
- basal temperature monitoring
Sleep!!!! I am awful at getting enough sleep. I am naturally a night owl. I do my best thinking and am most creative at night it seems.

Takeaways

If anyone can learn anything from my experience these are my takeaways:

Less is more in the beginning. And what I mean by this is I wish I hadn’t gone to the OB so early for this past pregnancy. I saw them twice during the first trimester even moving up the last appointment to “give me peace of mind” that everything was okay. It was at that appointment that I found out that the baby had stopped growing and had already passed away. I saw it on the ultrasound and was measuring over much smaller than it should have so I had been walking around unknowing that my baby had died inside of me…not to mention approximately $1000 cost of those two ultrasounds and office visits.

With my miscarriage history I should have been leaving nothing up to chance for my own guilt prevention. What I mean by this is all of the little decisions I was making here and there, out of comfort or craving or convenience play a role in my mama guilt now. I’m talking things like poor eating choices, not exercising regularly, poor sleep habits, etc. I’m not saying I’m the worst out there and by general standards my habits are probably healthier than a lot but maybe I don’t have the same luxury of doing whatever and eating whatever I want during pregnancy. I know miscarriage happens often and may very well have happened regardless of what I was doing but it doesn’t stop the guilt from creeping in. So my takeaway here is if there is a next time for me then I’m going to do it right…for myself and for my baby. That way if another miscarriage occurs then I will know I did everything within my power and really that’s all any of us can do.

Don’t make plans. I learned this the hard way. I was about 9 weeks when we ordered our Christmas cards. The timing was such that by early December when they would be going out I would be ready to tell close friends and family. Already I was feeling more secure in the pregnancy since historically if I had made it this far along then the pregnancy had been successful for me. I thought what a perfect opportunity to announce to our friends and extended family that we were expecting! Of course it crossed my mind that there was a chance I would miscarry… I even considered ordering 2 sets of identical cards, with the only difference being the picture of our kids would or would not be holding the sonogram picture in the announcement. My mind interpreted this option as me “betting against the pregnancy”. So I didn’t order both sets which resulted in me having to order a second set later and now I have a whole set of unopened cards as a reminder of this loss. The takeaway: DON’T MAKE PLANS LIKE THIS. Take the cautious road to protect yourself and your heart.

The plan

The specialist recommended a few things moving forward.

I start tracking my cycle closely with ovulation indicator kits and basal temperature readings.
Call their office when I get a positive ovulation test so they can put in the order for a blood draw
Pending natural progesterone levels, supplementing the hormone progesterone may be warranted
Be fitted with holter monitor to further investigate the irregular heart rhythms
If conception does not occur or it results in another miscarriage then she recommends a pelvic sonogram to check for anatomic abnormalities if we still wish to try in the future.

This all might very well be for none. She explained that though I had 3 miscarriages in a row there is a good possibility that still nothing is wrong with me and that it was just an unlucky streak. This I already knew but knowing myself and my personality type I need to ensure I am doing everything in my power. And if the worst thing from all of this is that I am eating healthier, exercising more and focusing on wellness habits then all the better.

At the very least I am glad I got an updated physical and blood panels completed because it had been a while since my last general, non pregnancy related visit. I am also glad it nudged me to get my heart palpitations checked out more closely.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading!